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His Philosophy

(Quick note: Mr. McCaffrey writes the way he speaks: in "Pittsburghese". To those not from western Pennsylvania, please go to pittsburghese.com for a primer, and be sure to check "aht" the sound bytes.)

I first met Eddie Van Halen when I's workin' as a bellhawp dahn the Picksburgh Hiwlton Haytel in 1981. Eddie was on tour with his band and Val (Valerie Bertinelli, Ed's wife, to those of you who don't know her personal). They were stayin inna Honeymane Suite, and me, being a HUGE Halen aficianado, went up personally to Eddie and Val's rame to see if 'ey needed any more baze (you know, like vokka er rum 'n'at). See, I's all smart, cos I knew Ed was a huge party animal n'at, so I knew he'd be all "Yeah! Gimmie some baze!" So I knock onna Honeymane Suite doors an' ners Eddie, answerin' na door. Val's back 'ere in 'er nitegahn. And, I's right: alla vokka and other liquor bottles were all empty, Ed bein' a huge drunk at the time.

I's all, "Ed, what's up? You need any more baze? We got this great local bir called Arn City."

He goes, "Hell yeah, man! Go get me some vokka, and if you can get me a little EXTRA somethin'. . ." An' nen he sniffles his nose up, and bein' the cool dude I was, I knew exactly what he meant. "If you can get me somethin extra," he goes, "then I'll get ya some backstage passes." I'm all fired up and I go, "Hewl Yeah!" Nen I re-get my composition, and all cool, go, "For the Vokka, two minutes, for the--" sniffle my nose, "-fifteen minutes, bud."

Ed prolly knew to axe me, since I had long hair inna back and looked like a bigtime rocker even in the bellhawp ahtfit.

So I get Ed the Vokka quick 'nen rush dahn Liberty Avenue with this huge wad o' cash Ed gave me to hunt-up some party pahder for 'im. He gave me so much munny I went in the men's rame in Hornes to cahnt it all. I go to myself, "Jeez, how much devil's dandruff can I get fer dis? I betcha I can buy . . . . . a whole pahnd!"

And I did.

True story!

Up Ed's hotel rame - He's pleased so he gives me two backstage passes and I'm all "Thanks, Mr. Van Halen sir" n'at, and he goes like this - I swear ta Pete - he goes, "Please, call me Ed."

And if 'at ain't enough, he goes "Stick arahnd, me and Val can't do this whole pahnd by ourselfs!"

N'ere I was, doin' shots of vokka and lines offa mere with Eddie himself. Turned aht Val didn't wanna do any cos she had ta go up New York or wherever the next day and shoot a episode of "One Day at a Time," and one drughead on nat set was enough. So me & Eddie Van Halen did dat whole pahnd, and drank 'at whole gallon of vokka before the show that night at the arena. And nat's the story of how I met Eddie Van Halen, and when we did our first pahnd together.

True story!

Me and Ed became good friends, hung aht all night that night and he offered me a job as roadie and part-time pahnd hunter-upper. Hewl yeah I took the job! You think I'm a jag-off or somethin?

True story!

There's many more true stories I could tell ya about Me & Eddie Van Halen: how I taught him some trickery on the guitar, how Me & Ed invented the metric system, how we had a pahnd doin' contest, how I had ta fiwl in on "Hot for Teacher" that one night in Chicago when Ed was too pahnded to play, how I was the inspiration for the mega-hit "Jump," and how time and again I tried to convince Ed to get Dave back inna band after '85.

Many a yinz prolly allays wonder how Ed got dat cool design on his Frankenstein guitar (An' I ain't talkin' baht dat new Music Man EVH design that he made up after Dave left, you jaggin' me? I'm talkin' baht the cool Frankenstein guitar design). Well, it so happens that yours truly designed dat aht of his own brain. Swear ta Pete! Ain't jaggin'.

We's on tour, ridin' onna tour bus ahtside ah Ewl Ay, you know, Lost Angelest, all lahngin'--by this time many a yinz know I was head roadie for Van Halen, and I's allahd ta ride onna bus. The rest udda raidies hadta sleep inna semi. Wool, we's all lahngin like I says, with Michael Anthony sleepin offa Jay Dee hangaver onna top bunk, Ed playin his guitar onna bottom bunk (they shared bunks onna bus), Alex in a lazy boy taping up his fingers with dat drummer tape, Dave givin a interview to some hot chick interviewer inna back (yinz shoulda seen nat hair spray!). We's all a liddle bit edgie, cos we's runnin' late, and it was gettin close to showtime, and Ed's truckload a guitars (he needs a whole truck to carry all them) was supposably broke dahn inna desert somewhere, and all Ed had was his red guitar (all red, no design) that he called Old Red or Red Pussy or something red like 'at. But all the udder equipment was 'ere and old reds sahndin' fine and it's prolly the anely one hill need. Nen sumpin bad happens.

Ed gets up to take a piss, do a pahnd or sumpin, and leaves his guitar leaning against the bottom bunk. The bus goes over some pothole, and I go "Are we inna 'Burgh wit dees potholes!" and everyone howls. With alla commation, Michael Anthony wakes up all groggy, prolly with cottonmath, and head hurtin enough, nen he cracks his head onna roof! Nen he rolls arahnd and PLOP nerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr CRUNCH! Lands right on Ed's best guitar, smashin it to pieces! Ed runs ahtta the bathroom and goes "EEEEEEEE!"--- you know, screaches like a woman. I ain't ever heard my girlfriend scream 'at gay. And now he's howllerin and screamin and howllerin, yellin' "It NEEDS FIXED! IT NEEDS FIXED!" tellin' Mike he's gonna boot 'im ahtta the band n'is n'at. So I, bein' the stupendular raidie I am, act fast.

So I go, "Alex, quick, the tape!" and the throws it an' I make a diving grab like I'm Lynn Swann. Nen I run ayver ta da guitar like I'm the Bus (not the tour bus, jag off; Jerome Bettis) and start tapin dat thing up like it's Rocky Blier's bum leg. Nen I go, "Crap! Time for my trusty electrical tape for the electronics!" So I take it ahtta my Super Raidie Utiwlity Belt and tape it up with like I'm on General Hospital tryin' to save someone and hopin ney don't go into a coma. An' the one pickup was broke, so I had an extra humbucker and threw dat in nere. And it ends up I have the guitar sahndin better than it was before... and with a cool new look...CHECK IT AHT!

Ed's pleased and Dave gets done with his interview, and come aht, and I go "Hey Dave, how you like 'is job I did on nis broke guitar." And he smowls and goes, "Man, it looks like a Frankenstein, man! Gimmie a bottle o' anything! YAAAA!!!" One of his screams you know, then he does this huge karate kick. And we're all like "Ayyykay - 'Iss dude needs his head examined."

And that's the story of how I, Steve McCaffery, former Head Roadie for Halen, designed the Frankenstein.

True story!