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His Philosophy

Didja ever nail someone right in his mind? Not just like hit him in the head causing a concussion to the brain. I mean the Mind! The brain is that gray material in your skull, but the Mind is an abstract and mysterious phenomenon. Anyone can juggle someone's brain, but you have to be one tough monkey to nail someone right in his mind.

In the movie Slap Shot, Paul Newman's character who is the player/coach of the Charlestown Chiefs (modeled after the Johnstown Chiefs) nails an opposing team's goalie right in his mind by calling the goalie's wife a lesbian. The goalie got pissed and goes after Paul Newman, and in the meantime a Chief scores a game-winning goal.

And all the people go "Yay."

And in the locker room one of the Hansen brothers said "Coach, ya nailed him right in his head!" And then another Hansen brother said "You nailed him right in his mind!!!"

Jack Lambert used to nail people in their minds. There's a lot of nailing of the minds surrounding football. A New York Jets fan that has been dubbed "The Clapper" comes to the Carolina Sports Bar where we watch the Steelers games and claps loudly when the opposing team does something good against the Steelers, even if it ain't the Jets. But usually, the Steelers win, and we all clap back at the Clapper, and thus the Clapper nailith himself in his own mind. Ha.

The Baltimore Ravens tried to nail us in the mind last time they played us by talking shit all week, but NO! They also, like the Clapper, ended up nailing themselves in the mind.

I sarcastically tried to nail the band the Twin 6, from Baltimore, in the mind this past weekend at Elvisfest. It was really a light-hearted nailing of the mind because I dig that band and I was up front rockin the whole show. They rock and kick ass and whatnot. So after they played their song "Hated" of which a line is "Hated in the town of Pittsburgh" (where they do quite well, really) - I yelled "Steelers!" And the singer barked at me like a pro-wrestler and called me a little cunt and I barked back at him about how they (meaning the Ravens) talked shit on us (meaning the Steelers) all week, and we (Steelers) kicked their (Ravens) ass and whatnot. But it was all in good fun because we had an "it's all good" handshake and we both knew we were FAKE nailing each other's minds, sarcastically. I wouldn't try to honestly nail that band at all - they'd hurt me bad.

Quick review: Twin 6 booted donkey! They handed out a case of Bud and a bottle of Beam that everyone passed around. And I wasn't gonna drink whiskey that night. Oh well, haha. It reminded me of some of the Pittsburgh shows I frequented as beer and cans were a-flyin'. The stage was a mess. Fuckin fun.

There are approximately 346 trillion gods. The god I worship and pray to is god # 147,246,983,450. He's very unresponsive as each of the approximately 346 trillion are. But at least He answered my one prayer asking Him how many gods existed and which number He was. He answered it in a sign. A road sign that said "Godville - 346 trillion miles". And another sign that said "Route 147,246,983,450". And when I seen that, I looked up in the sky and pointed and winked and clicked and smiled and said, "Gotchya!"

I have no idea if my god is a He or where He lives or what He looks like. I just know the numbers, and I guess that's gonna have to be enough for Him to be worthy of my worship. I don't want to make up a bunch of stuff about Him relating to current political events and then write it in a huge book in an attempt to establish a political socio-spiritual revolutionary radical movement, because we all know where that leads.

Didn't I just nail you in the mind there? Well, I guess I was trying to do that. Throwing shit about god #147,246,983,450 in there. You wanna know why I just nailed you all in the mind? Because it is really god #922, 100, 328!!! Hahaha! Way off!!

Back to the premise of my space here, which is "A Pittsburgher in the south," of which one or two of my many articles remotely relates to:

You know what nails Southerners in the mind? SNOW! Yes, we DID have a terrible blizzard here on the evening of Wednesday January 2, 2002. Even Joann who is from Maine said it was bad. But, it is now Wednesday January 9, 2002, and some kids are JUST getting back to school. I tried to come into work on Friday January 4, 2002, but no one was here! There is still ice on the sidewalks and some roads as NC has apparently not discovered rock salt and snow shovels. I think there is one plow for the whole state. I mean, businesses haven't bothered to shovel their walks. You'd think it'd give them that extra edge.

"Come to Pedro's House of Guacamole! You won't fall on your ass trying to get from your car to the front door!"

But it doesn't make sense for someone to go into the rock salt and snow shovel business here in the South, especially in these troubling economic times. I'm sure the state amidst its budget woes does not have rock salt and plow driver on the top of its list. There were actually some plow guys here who drove down from Minnesota.

Prince is from Minnesota.

Even the squirrels here were nutty (haha squirrels, nuts, get it, well SHUT UP). There was one of those little bushy-tailed rats running back and forth along my patio fence like he didn't know what the fuck was going on, and was just running to get warm.

Maybe I should have invited him into my nice warm house, and then into my nicer, warmer oven! But that's disgusting. Squirrels are probably no cleaner than rats, and probably taste just as bad, even with Texas Pete's Hot Sauce.