EMAIL HIM

His Philosophy

show reviews
1. Immortal Lee County Killers, All Night, The Loners
Supersuckers Country Western Extravaganza, with Jessie Dayton

I like war. I’m not pro-war. I just like it. I like the military gear and the guns and tanks and mobile command units and stealth bombers. I like looking at the maps with the arrows and seeing pictures of Baghdad getting blown all to hell. It’s like a GI Joe reality series, but without a lesson at the end, and the people don’t jump out of the planes right before they explode. And do you know why I like it? Because I don’t have to be there to face the reality of it. I don’t have to see our boys and girls in uniform getting their heads blown off and little babies getting bombed. They don’t show that stuff on the news. American news anyway.

I work close to home, so every afternoon at one o’clock I take my lunch hour there. And around 1:15 I like to sit, drink a couple beers so I can have a nice buzz when I get back to work, and watch President Rumsfeld and that general guy field pussy-ass questions from the limp-wristed media. I like President Rumsfeld. I think he’s an arrogant textbook psychotic who’s going to get us all killed, but he’s good at it. And America needs skilled leaders, like the President of the United States, Donald Rumsfeld. And he doesn’t take any shit from the media (but that’s not too damn hard – they’re all vaginas). I wonder if he took any shit from Saddam Hussein when he was Ronald Reagan’s special envoy to Iraq in the 1980s when old Saddam was gassing Iran and the Kurds and we didn’t give a shit because he was our ally.

But I don’t want to get all into politics. You’d think I was a rabid liberal or something. I probably would be if all I heard was Rush Limbaugh. Thank god I know a lot of intelligent people that support the war that I can have normal conversations with. I’m not rabidly pro- or anti-war. It just is what it is, and I accept it.

The war’s a big sham of course just like the first Gulf war and every fucking other thing in current mainstream American culture. It exposes the government as nothing more than the mafia with an advertising department. I think the American government is a bunch of power-addicted shit heels, but I don’t mind the truth that Balzac professed and Mario Puzo put on the first page of The Godfather: “Behind every great fortune there is a crime.” I can sit here and not be ruled by a dictator and call the government shit heels and drink my ass off and nobody can do a damn thing about it. The war will topple one terrible, power-addicted bloodsucker of a dictator. But dictators get to where they are through propaganda and brainwashing. It’s going to take a hell of a lot more brainwashing to sway his current supporters. Hopefully after this war is over, Iraqis will be able to sit around and bitch about how their government fucks with them and go drink their asses off and not have to worry about being publicly executed. Maybe they’ll enjoy that enough and thank us for it. But I’m willing to bet more than one kid will be pissed off at the American government forever for killing his dad who was employed in the Iraqi Republican Guard. But that doesn’t matter. I’m sure this war will end terrorism forever. Just like the war on drugs ended those horrible drugs.

That’s just the way it is. The war won’t bring an abundance of “good” or “evil” consequences. It’ll just bring about consequences. As I’ve said in the past, I don’t believe in good and evil. In fact, I’m annoyed by all morals whatsoever. It’s just war, it’s just nature, and you can’t do a damn thing about it. And neither can I. I think about the only thing I can do about it besides escape reality through drinking is try to pay as little taxes as possible. I’m currently copying CDs I borrow from the library. I haven’t bought a new CD in months, because I can only afford my number one priority, drinking, with any disposable income (if there is any after paying all my bills and the stupid government taking taxes out of my paycheck). That way the government gives me music that I don’t have to pay taxes on. And it’s not like they have independent bands at the library, so if I want to get the Marauders CD I still have to buy it and I’m not screwing over independent labels that support good music. And making your own food and wine and furniture and picking shit out of the garbage and mending your clothes instead of tossing them and stealing does less harm to the world than paying taxes to rich criminals. I hate the government, so why the hell should I pay taxes? Though I’ll definitely pay some taxes my whole life if I want to have any quality of life at all. Remember the slogan that the schoolchildren had to say in Huxley’s Brave New World, “Ending is better than mending”? That’s exactly the slogan of American culture in the 21st Century: Destroy. So naturally I resist this crap. It’s contradictory to the Constitution. I think the more creative you are, the less you give to the destructive machine in Washington. It’s the only patriotic thing to do.

Gulf War II: The Revenge™ is going to cost us an arm and a leg and an asscheek in the long run, and Big Government Bush just got his $2.2 trillion-with-a-T budget passed through the pussy-ass sell-out Congress, and the nutty bastard is talking about tax cuts, which is fine by me too. The media is already making big bucks off this war and of course oil companies and arms dealers are going to be sucking the blood out of our wallets like vampires, and the whole band of upper 1% millionaire vampires is gonna stick a flag on all of their products and do all they can to suck the life out of the people to make money off the threat of terrorism and war.

So, I ask, why the hell can’t I get a piece of the action?

Here’s 7 things I’m going to do to profit off the war:

1. Liberal/Conservative T-Shirts. I could make a wad selling t-shirts to idiot extremist liberals/conservatives. The richest men in America have built their fortune on the air in the heads of suckers and imbeciles. Look at Bill Gates. He sells crap that doesn’t even work and loses ¾ of its market value in less than a year and people still buy it. Why? Because people are fucking stupid! And what do fucking stupid people do in war time? They try to see all sides with an open mind and form their own opinion. Hahaha that was a joke. No - they run to one side of the stadium and cheer one team and boo the other. Idiots aren’t intelligent enough to engage in debate or form their own opinions. They only know how to be cheerleaders. So I’ll sell them their team memorabilia. Shit. I can get the slogans right off of any news website’s message board. Guaranteed to get you booted from a nazi mall (which incidentally happened here in Chapel Hill as well). Here, I’ll cut and paste from Yahoo:
BEAT THE SHlT OUT OF A PROTESTER TODAY
OPERATION IRAQI LIBERATION=O.I.L.
LIBS = BRAINDEAD OR LOBOTOMIZED!
LOVE WILL STOP BOMBS!
LEFT HATES AMERICA !!

God. What a bunch of assholes. I hope they all choke to death.

2. The “Freedom Tickler”: Hell yeah. Ned used fuck his wife with a French tickler wrapped around the old baloney pony. Then one day he turned on Fox and Bill O’Reilly was whining about the French and how they were keeping us from throwing exploding dildos at Iraqis. Suddenly Ned didn’t feel so manly putting something on his dong that coulda been handled by a faggoty Frenchman (even though they are produced in Cedar Rapids, Iowa by out of work farmers). So Ned started using regular old rubbers. Problem was, Ned’s wife, though she was a patriotic Americanette, liked the feeling of those French ticklers. “It ain’t the French part Ned,” said Ned’s wife, “it’s the tickler.” But no worries anymore Ned! It’s the Freedom Tickler! Now you can fire your missle in your wife’s hot bunker while supporting America’s troops! Comes in red, white and blue.

3. Terrorist Repellant: Think some duct tape, a gas mask, a silvery chemical-resistant suit, some plastic sheeting, a fortified bunker, stockpiles of dangerous weapons, canned goods, bottled water, a Bible, some candles, Flashlight and extra batteries, a Battery powered radio and extra batteries, Plastic garbage bags, ties and toilet paper for personal sanitation, First aid kit, Map of the area for evacuation or for locating shelters, A whistle to signal for help, Moist towelettes, Mess kits, or paper cups, plates and plastic utensils, Cash or traveler's checks, change, Non-electric can opener, utility knife, Paper towels, Fire extinguisher: small canister, ABC type, Tube tent, Pliers, Compass, Matches in a waterproof container, Aluminum foil, Plastic storage containers, Signal flare, Paper, pencil, Medicine dropper, Shut-off wrench, Toilet paper, towelettes, Feminine supplies, Personal hygiene items, Plastic garbage bags, ties (for personal sanitation uses), Plastic bucket with tight lid, Disinfectant, Household chlorine bleach and a ready.gov pamphlet is enough? Well think again! You will not be completely protected from a dirty bomb filled with anthrax-laced small pox landing on your house unless you buy Terrorist Repellant NOW! Spray it on your house, your spouse, your children, your car, all your personal belongings, your dog, your lawn and all plant life. BUY NOW!! We are at code ORANGE!!! Oh my god I guess you want to DIE, HUH!!?!? Or maybe that’s not it. Maybe you are REPELLED by Terrorist Repellant… Maybe you are WITH THE TERRORISTS!! Oh you’re not? Then what are you doing not buying Terrorist Repellant? Maybe I should spray it on you to test it out!! If you don’t buy TERRORIST REPELLANT you are not a patriotic American and must LOVE SADDAM!! Only 29.95. Not available in stores.

4. Red white and blue duct tape: They probably already have it on the market, and I want to work for whoever thought of it first.

A book on how George Bush is the root of all evil: I’ll just make stuff up. Dumb asses will believe anything. How Bush got Texas Air National Guard training just so he could fly a plane into the World Trade Center 30 years later, only to parachute out at the last second. How Bush hired a chimp as a look-a-like down in Florida so he could be in two places at once. How Bush invented hatred.

5. Donations from Protestors: Some of these idiots are so quick to jump on whatever stupid bandwagon hack cause rolls into town reeking of patchouli. Walk around an anti-war rally with a bucket that says Donate to the International Relief Fund for Innocent Victims, and have footnote in size 1 font that says *by “International” I really mean my apartment and by “relief fund” I mean my bank account and by “Innocent Victims” I mean me.

6. Liberals/conservatives newspapers: I saw a ton of people doing this at the anti war rally. But I got a little twist to my idea. To liberals I’ll sell a paper with a headline like “Bush Eats Baby Seals” (they hate killing animals) and for the conservatives it’ll say “Liberals Partake in Al Qaeda Orgies” (they hate sex). Then I’ll make up a bunch of crap about baby seal-eating orgies with bogus statistics and colorful pie-charts. Then at the end of every article I’ll write “You pathetic sheep. You just got sucked into another scam by giving in to your shallow emotions and tardlike partisanship. Someone should smack you in the face with an anvil. Thanks for the dollar.”

Yessiree. The cash should start rolling in any time now. I might buy some stock in Lockheed Martin but I think the smart thing to do is bury my treasure like Blackbeard and not give any to the government. Then maybe I’ll get enough money to become President of the United States like Donald Rumsfeld so I can use the executive powers granted by the Patriot Act to execute whomever I want. I’ll start with Barbara Streisand and Bill O’Reilly then work my way up.